00:00
00:00
KingBaller06
I am an adult male human who will create an anime/manga that will surpass the greatest fictional work in existence, One Piece.

Bradley @KingBaller06

Age 25, Male

School

Joined on 8/11/19

Level:
5
Exp Points:
241 / 280
Exp Rank:
> 100,000
Vote Power:
4.37 votes
Art Scouts
2
Rank:
Civilian
Global Rank:
> 100,000
Blams:
0
Saves:
0
B/P Bonus:
0%
Whistle:
Normal
Medals:
2

Writer's Jam 2 Entry - KingBaller06

Posted by KingBaller06 - December 24th, 2023


Here is my entry for Writer's Jam 2!


Prompt: Cabin

Title: A Snowy Escapade


A man called Razor is eating a triple ham sandwich with melted cheddar on each slice of bread with bacon, tomatoes, and lettuce in the middle during a snowy night at a local shop. As he’s enjoying his meal, Razor spots a group of four men surrounding a petite woman wearing glasses and a gray trench coat that covers everything else. The men are covered with tattoos and they all have the numbers 416 on their foreheads.   The woman is looking back and forth with her hands shaking uncontrollably. As one of the tattooed men lean closer to the woman with his lips puckered, Razor grabs his soda can and hits the man clean in the head.


“You fucked with the wrong gang motherfucker!” The guy crashes into the wall and slides down until his knees are in the snow. The gang all look back at Razor and this causes Razor’s hands to start trembling. Sweat accumulates on his back and forehead as he’s realized just what trouble he’s gotten himself into. He takes small and slow steps back, trying to get away from the situation. The gang inch closer, gradually picking up their speed until it becomes an all out chase.


 Razor runs across the road which has no cars at the time passing by. He looks back and sees the gang hot on his tail.


“I gotta pick up my speed” Razor says to himself as his heart is beating faster and the sweat on his forehead drops from his head.

 

Razor finds himself into a forest covered with snow. He looks back and the 416 are still present with their faces red as a tomato. Razor climbs up a tree and hops from branch to branch. He’s hoping to use the height to find a more optimal escape route but there’s nothing ahead but a lit up cabin in the distance. Suddenly Razor hears something fly right by his head. He takes a look to his left and sees that it’s a snowball. 

All of the gang members have snowballs in their arms ready to throw at him. They all continue their throwing. Razor is forced to twist his body around in the air to avoid getting hit down. Razor jumps onto a tree, pulls a branch off, and uses that as a sword to block off any incoming fire from the snowballs. Eventually the flurry of snowballs cease and the cabin is in clear sight. 


Razor slides down a tree, jumps off the trunk, and does a front roll on the ground. He continues toward the cabin as another woosh approaches him. He takes a small jump to his left and a rock hits the handle of the cabin door. The door creeps open, and Razor takes this opportunity to rush inside. Razor grabs the rock on the ground and throws it back at the men. It zooms so fast that none of them have time to react. All of a sudden one of the gang members drops on his knees holding the area between his legs with both of his hands in what looks to be agonizing pain.


Razor runs up the railings attached to the stairs as some snow falls through the hole in the roof of the cabin right in front of his feet. Razor takes this as a sign. He bends forward and grabs the snow with both of his hands and continues running up. He gets to the top of the stairs and turns around to see all four gang members right at the bottom of the stairs. Razor knows that he doesn’t have time to waste, so he runs down the hallway. To his left and right, he sees a bunch of closed doors. He looks through the windows and looks for anything that could be useful. Razor spots a snowboard, so he opens the door, grabs the snowboard, hooks it onto his back, and continues down the hallway. 


When he least expects it, one of the gang members grabs Razor’s shoulder. He cocks his arm back and clenches his fist. Razor takes some of the snow in his left hand and compresses it into some elongated pellets with his right hand. Razor takes one of his pellets and hits him in his right eye, loosening his shoulder grip that gives Razor time to continue running. At the end of the hallway, Razor looks to his right and sees an open window with a ceiling fan right in front of him. He jumps to grab the fan. He uses his momentum to swing straight through the window. While airborne, Razor takes the snowboard off his back, attaches it to his feet while his hands are trembling, and lands going down the hill.


At first everything seems clear for Razor, but within a few seconds, the gang is closing in with some skis they were able to find. Razor takes two of his three remaining snow pellets and hits the two directly behind him in their necks. This subtle pain causes enough of a distraction for the two to veer and bump into each other. They trip on each other’s skis, but quickly get back up and continue the downhill chase.


Eventually the group runs into train tracks with a train approaching them. In front of it is a snow ramp that’s ready for anyone who has the guts, or in this case the desperation, to jump. Razor doesn’t think twice and goes straight at it. As he launches in the air, he takes his last snow pellet and throws it under the ski of one of the men. This slight change in the level of the ground is enough to cause him to trip and roll into the others. The four of them continue rolling in the snow and get trapped in a giant snowball as Razor is flying directly over the speeding train.


After the gang get out from the inside of that giant white inconvenience, they walk over the tracks and find no trace of Razor.


In one of the containers of the train, Razor is lying down with his arms and legs spread like a snow angel. His breathing has slowed down considerably as the snowy forest is just a blur that he no longer has to deal with.


“That was a close one!”


I hope you guys enjoyed that!


Tags:

2

Comments

Cool story. Thanks for sending me the prompts earlier.

That was you? Anytime bro!

Thanks for participating! This was a really fun read, honestly. I know you're really into One Piece and I can see a lot of inspiration here (which I don't at all mean as a critique, it's just neat to take note of how there's similarities between your story and your inspirations)!

There are some issues with exposition that doesn't build off of itself/become anything here, despite how fun it was. A lot of this story was a chase with no clear consequences, seeing as the gang was seemingly unarmed aside from snow and, at one point, a rock. If you are at all interested in polishing this story, maybe make the gang members stand out from each other more, and perhaps even have them be more of a threat by having one or two of them reveal that they are armed? Of course, this is just one of many directions you could take it and isn't at all the only valid option! Just wanted to give you a few directions to consider.

I appreciate how "silly" this story was, in a lot of ways, which is where I see a lot of what I assume is inspiration from One Piece. You do a good job establishing Razor's personality despite him having limited moments to show his choices and actions, by making bold choices with him when the opportunities arise (such as having him confront the gang, or making the bold decision to risk his safety at the train tracks). It seems like a simple thing at first glance, but anyone who's tried showing a character's personality in moments where dialogue and interactions with other characters are limited can tell you it takes a lot to establish a character the way you did and keep it consistent! Great job with that!

Thanks again for your participation, stay tuned for winner announcements on Newgrounds and Discord very soon!

Hey, have you thought about getting into animation? I saw you already make a lot of character art, and this felt to me like a story that lends itself to motion more than writing. Could be a good fit!

Thanks for the suggestion. I have dabbled in animation and I was thnking that this story would be epic as an animation.